I wanted to take a minute today and just be real with you all. I usually prefer to be well over what I’m going through to share about things… cause I have this super power like in this example.
“A man goes to join the newest superhero group.
Interviewer: “ So, what’s your superpower?”
Man goes: “Hindsight”
The Interviewer says, “We don’t have any use for that here”
Man goes, “Ah yes, I see it now”
Anyway all jokes aside. I want to be real with you and share some things I’m going through on top of the weight I’ve been feeling for Russia and Ukraine. Read my thoughts on that here.
I won’t be going into details because honestly those don’t really matter. Pain is pain and it never feels fair no matter how the story plays out. Some circumstances are more horrifying than others and I’m fully aware of that but I’m speaking generally here today.
A few days ago my husband shared some news with me about someone close to us. I took it very hard, I broke down crying. “God I can believe for this and that but this, this is beyond my strength.” It was close to midnight when we finally had a chance to talk, so naturally we were exhausted. He shared with me what was going on and turned over in bed to go to sleep. I sat on the edge of the bed and cried. I asked him “how am I supposed to sleep with this on my mind now??” He told me, “there’s literally nothing we can do besides pray and trust God”. I felt angry, hurt and betrayed. I asked my husband “how in the world, can you be so calm and unfazed?” Again he encouraged me not to lose sleep over it, to go take a shower and reminded me to pay attention to what time of month it was for me haha, because certain days I feel more hopeless then others (any of you ladies know what I mean??)
I said goodnight and took his advise. I really didn’t feel like praying and didn’t have a clue at how to change my feelings and “move on”. One thing I do know though, is that I typically don’t “move on” (try to distract myself or forget about it) from distraught situations until I have fully give them to the Lord. I didn’t know what to do so I just started to pray in the Spirit, I told the Lord how I felt and how unfair it all was (how human it is to think about yourself when someone else is going through a difficult situation).
The Lord almost instantly spoke to me. He completely changed my perspective and told me that it’s not at all about me but that it was time for me to stand up and intercede on behalf of this person. He reminded me of things he’s told me in the past when I faced similar situations and said it’s the same thing now. “I still need you to be strong for those around you”, he said “but do it in me”. I told him how weary I felt and he told me it was because I was leaning way too much on my own strength and reasoning.
In that moment I instantly gave up my self and declared that I will not do this alone but through Christ who gives me strength. My flesh may fail but my Spirit is complete in Jesus, God is the strength of my heart forever. Within minutes I felt HOPE, I saw a picture of restoration, I saw God do what only HE can do. Above all I was filled with so much peace that no human mind can understand or get on their own. So much love and compassion filled my heart for this hurting person. I no longer felt any of the negative feelings that I felt earlier but just felt hope. Even the sadness of it all left me.
Honestly things continued to escalate not the way we hoped they would go, we got worse news in the days to follow. But I continued to hold on to that hope and that word the Lord spoke to me.
But just the other day we spent time with someone that was affected by the whole situation and I lost it again. All the pain and hurt came rushing in again and all the feelings of how unfair and unjust this all seemed. Throughout the day, I found myself going on my phone more and cleaning excessively (because that’s what I do when I’m stressed out). At the end of the day when I was nursing my little one, I caught myself reaching for my phone again and at that moment I realized just how much I was avoiding facing all my feelings.
It feels so hard, even though you know that God can and will heal, especially when he just showed up for me a few days prior but it’s just not our natural tendency to run to him first. But I went to Jesus this time and allowed myself to feel, I started weeping, I asked the Lord why I had so much hope a few days ago when he spoke to me and now I’m literally falling apart again?
He gently reminded me that it was because I was living out of my human senses and not my Spirit. So again I had to shake off my feelings and grab on to the hope, that the Lord filled me with that first day when we first heard the hard news. The tears didn’t stop because I’m human and things hurt and they hurt bad. But Jesus is not shaken by any of this and it didn’t catch him by surprise. He’s still on the throne and if I do what he told me to do then he will come through and his will WILL prevail, he will work all things out for our good because that is a promise. I do not know if it’ll be the way I want things to go or if it will look differently but I do know that he will be here with us through it all and in the end we will look back and be thankful we trusted him, through the pain and all the tears.
I woke up this morning and my eyes hurt super bad, that reminded me again that we are not through it yet and that I still need to keep looking to Jesus and trusting him with every breath and every thought and every feeling. NO MATTER WHAT.
Yesterday when I couldn’t control my tears, I was washing dishes and my kids started asking me why I was crying, I couldn’t say anything so I just shrugged. Some of the kiddos quietly came up and gave me hugs but one of my kids decided to be the spokes person for me and he proceeded to tell everyone that the reason I was crying, was that Jesus was just touching my eyes. Haha that put a smile on my face, in the midst of the pain there is Jesus. He went on to explain to his siblings that it happens to him sometimes, “it’s ok mom” he said “just let him in and you’ll feel so much better afterwards.” How precious! He was absolutely right! Sometimes even the tears are needed.
My youngest also came to me and showed me how to wipe my tears with my hand lol They were all so sweet, comforting me each in their own way. But that’s how God physically shows us his love, through those around us.
Sometimes when you don’t “feel” Gods love, to see him in your day to day just take a step back and look at things from a different perspective. You will all of a sudden start to realize that God is in soo much more of your day than you thought. It could be through a phone call from a friend, a message you heard on the radio, a smile of a stranger or your family showing you love and grace even when you don’t feel strong enough or worthy to be receiving it.
Allow yourself to feel, to face those fears and strong emotions. Talk to someone you can trust, we need each other. Trust me, I have people I go to ALL THE TIME. It’s not a weakness it’s actually the thing that helps you grow and move forward in life rather than backwards because we all know that no one just sits in one place, everything either grows or dies.
I get asked quite often if my husband always talks to me like that, short and to the point, almost seemingly insensitive. Haha and the answer is most of the time yes but it doesn’t bother me because I know what he says is true. I’ve grown enough throughout the years to not be offended by him (anymore that is, in the past I’m sure I saw it as unloving and hurtful) honestly though he’s just being a man. Hehe Men aren’t meant to be feminine. They like things to be short and to the point lol fix it and move on. No but he does take time to talk things through with me and allows me to fully process things while speaking truth over me. He gave me multiple hugs throughout the day without saying anything and that is perfectly ok because that was what I needed. To know that he’s there, that he knows I’m hurting and that if I need him more he’ll be there. Anyway hopefully more on relationships in a different entry. Stay tuned!
So as I wrap up today. I hope that you are in a good place with your family, friends, and the Lord but if you’re not and find yourself in a place of pain, loneliness or loss then I want to pray over you.
“Jesus you know and see every single one of us. You care deeply about what we go through. You want to be the one we run to. So I ask that you would forgive us for trying to find comfort in other people, or distracting ourselves from the pain before we go to you. Thank you for your unconditional love and forgiveness. And thank you for always being there when we need you. Please comfort every single person who is hurting today. Bring your perspective of hope. Fill each heart with peace and give every person who needs it, a word from you, to hold on to during this difficult season. Your word says that you never leave us or forsake us, so help us receive it and not blame you for not feeling near to you. Holy Spirit thank you, that you are our comforter and an ever present help when we need you. May we rely on you more than ever before. Thank you for everything! In Jesus’ name I pray. AMEN.
Blessings!
Natty
P.S. I didn’t get around to posting this right after I wrote it. But even though time passed and things didn’t get better (from my perspective) I’m still choosing to hold on to the word and peace the Lord gave me. A few days ago we were camping and I had time to think and remember poeple in my life and it was especially hard, to again fight the thoughts and feelings that tried to come against me. A lot of hopes and dreams were lost and life feels overwhelming at times but at the end of it all Jesus is still King and he’s not shaken by it all, so I will choose to continue giving it all to him and praying/interceding when I need to. I cried and still do often because loosing people you love is hard and it hurts. But God is good and I hope to one day share a redemption story with you.
Hold on to Jesus and if you haven’t before or haven’t in a while, please give him a chance. Pause the noise, the books, the podcasts and entertainment, the socializing even for a few days or weeks and seek him without any preconceived ideas of how he should or might show up, just wait on him you will find him. He’s always there knocking and just waiting for us to slow down and find some time for him. He’s very gentle and will never force himself into your life, so please get still enough to give him a chance. He loves you so so much no matter what the past looks like or even your future failures. Nothing is greater than his love.
Ok, well that’s it for today. Love you and thank you so much for dropping by and reading.