I have been a mother for over thirteen years now. I have nursed all of my little ones combined for seven years.
A few weeks after each weaning I feel like those weeks were the hardest weeks of my life. My hormones were CRAZY. I have no clue if there’s a medical reason for it for it or if it’s normal and happens to everyone. With the last one I cried uncontrollably for about two weeks. EVEYTHING was a trigger. I literally felt like I was in mourning for losing something or someone. Finally I decided to ask the Lord about what was going on and my eyes were opened. I realized that I was mourning, I was grieving the babyhood of all my children.
When my twins were born I fell in love with the baby stage. I did not mind the sleepless nights, the crying didn’t stress me out and even the diaper changes became these precious moments of serving my little ones; I would treasure getting a few extra minutes to connect. When I hold a baby all I want to do is speak life and blessings over it. I envision the bright and wonderful future that God desires for them. I guess the miracle of it all just somehow makes me come alive and I feel the Lord in a unique way unlike anything else. I don’t have a sermon or even much of a revelation on this topic (just yet) but we ladies/mothers were created in the image of God. I guess the motherly part of me connects and relates to him in that way. I get to experience Gods’ tender side, loving, protecting, nurturing and wanting to raise the little ones into their full potential.
Caring for infants, (because they literally depend on you for life) you have to put yourself aside, you basically lose yourself in “serving” them. When you do it with a willing heart, fully relying on the Lord each and every day, you really do in a special way connect with the heart of God. Anyway as you might be able to tell I LOVE babies!
I found this in one of my drafts that I won’t be finishing anymore so figured I could fit it in here. Ahhh, so hard to believe that’s it’s already been almost six months since my baby was born. At the same time though, we’ve had a very fulfilling half a year. Baby was born September 27th 2019. Very healthy, big and perfect!He’s been growing quickly ever since. From the time he was born I feel like I’ve been living in a dream come true. Yes, there have been difficult days but the joy I feel overshadows the darkest moments. My older kiddos stepped up so much during postpartum for me. I couldn’t be more proud of them, they spoiled me. And in the meantime I get to spoil baby with all the attention, being held and nursing he desires! I don’t know if it’s my age, experience or because he’s my fifth baby but it’s all different this time around. I don’t want to rush time with him at all. Yes I love us a good routine but it’s no longer ruling our lives and dictating how we choose to spend our time. We have so much more family time just sitting around and watching baby learn all the new things he’s been discovering. Putting things on pause to play peek a boo, or taking twenty minutes changing a diaper. I am so so grateful for the opportunity to be home with all my little ones. I love that I don’t get to miss chunks of their life. I love to watch them learn and develop, all in their own stages and seasons of life. It’s been a challenge having to juggle schooling with the older four and a newborn, while still maintaining cooking, cleaning and the every day chores. But it’s also been great to realize that we can as a family work together to still make life happen and beautifully for that matter. I don’t take the credit all to myself whatsoever because without the help of my kiddos and the support of my husband I’d be a mess. (Occasionally I still am haha but I’m grateful for friends and family who are there for me).
While trying to wean my youngest (for about three months) I did some research on the hormone oxytocin and put the pieces together, that I was addicted to it. My body has been producing it the entire time I nursed and then I still had it through all the toddler years with all my kiddos so I have been on it for years now! I don’t think it’s one of those things you can necessarily understand unless you’ve experienced it because to be honest I’m not sure I would believe it myself if it wasn’t for my personal experience. (But it would explain why I had my fifth child lol) I began to learn more about it and the Lord was telling me that I need to learn to experience it with my older kids. Cause I started asking him for another baby lol.
You see when I got pregnant (and for about the first two-three years of my babies life) I would literally focus on the baby. Carrying it, preparing for it, and then of course the first year most people know the baby doesn’t leave your side. Everything else sorta goes on auto pilot and it worked well for some time but the Lord told me that it was time to tend to the older ones. I googled the topic of weaning and sure enough the hormones go crazy, so I started to speak over them. Emotionally I was getting better but I noticed a big difference with how I felt and acted towards my youngest. I wasn’t as gracious and tolerant anymore. Things were different, I thought a lot about all the years I’ve had with all my kiddos, all the different seasons, ages and all that we have been through together; The things I have learned and what they continue to teach me daily. Sometimes when we aren’t intentional, life flies by without us pausing to actually embrace what is going on. To feel the pains, relive the memories, dream for the future and soak it all in. Moments and changes like this always force me to slow down and face all that I’ve allowed to slip by.
Shortly after I weaned my youngest, my oldest became a teenager. WOW, I was not prepared for it! You hear about it a lot and think you know what it will be like but I still feel like I should have been warned lol. I wish someone would have told me that you have stages in parenting. (Kind of like trimesters in pregnancy.) Infancy, toddlerhood and then the “bliss years” (no clue if that’s a term but that’s what I will call them); The years of full on childhood, ages 5-10. At around age ten your precious, innocent child begins to change… They start to pull away, think and reason more, they begin to detach from childhood, let go of toys, play in the imagination world less, their hobbies and interests begin to change and more than ever peers become a bigger influence in their lives. It’s like you have a stranger moved in with you, someone you thought you knew, but now you have no idea who they are.
*I am also speaking from a homeschool perspective since I don’t know if kids being around their peers makes any difference in those “bliss years” I feel like my kids were, in a way, sheltered from peer pressure and developed in being who they are without outside influences from peers in those early years.*
I was sitting next to my oldest son on the stairs the other night after everyone else was in bed, he was talking away, I was just looking at him and thinking “who are you?” I got chills lol because I really felt like I don’t know who or what anymore. To be fair they don’t know either and need us parents as guidance more than ever. Even though they will probably never think that or admit it. On top of all the other changes, my kids are getting taller than me by thirteen! (I must be short lol even though my whole life I feel like I was usually the tallest around) A lot is happening in their development, it’s not easy for all that growth to happen at all once like that, especially not in our day and age. I was definitely not prepared but I’m excited for the journey ahead.
This past year in parenting has really felt like a whirlwind for me. Letting go of babyhood for the last time, entering the teenage years, trying to slow it all down while trying not to feel like you’ve failed them, has been really really tough.
It’s hard to accept the fact that this is it, childhood is coming to an end for some of them and there is no going back. I had envisioned things differently, I expected to have more time, like one day I will finally get things just the way I want them and then I can fully be present and enjoy them. But no, that’s not how life works. Time passes whether we are ready for it or not.
After I grieved the babyhood of my children (yes even the older ones because I realized that I did not do that with them.) I was still holding on to this feeling like it wasn’t fair that it all happened so fast. The Lord told me to accept things as they are and to make the most of the time I have left. I gave it all to him and asked him to teach me how to be a mother to older children.
When I mention this to people they say “what are you talking about your kids are still little, they aren’t moving out anytime soon” well, that may be true but my oldest is thirteen. I was seventeen when I got married and moved half way across the country from my family. Not saying that she’ll have the same story as I did but I bet you that if my mom knew that when I was thirteen, she would have been more prepared to my leaving. She shared with me a while back that it came so quickly it hit her really hard because I was the oldest, but my brother also moved across country at at 17-18 so we all, one after the other grew up and left my parents to be empty nesters.
When your kids are little they are always home with you, the days are long and time passes by steadily but when they hit their teen years they are all of a sudden involved with outside activities more like friends, work etc.. Time begins to fly by quicker than ever and next thing you know they are grown and out of the house. I don’t know what our future holds but I want to soak in every second I get with all my precious little humans.
I want to put aside the differences and just learn to love them unconditionally. More than ever I want to lead and teach by example, especially what faith and trust in the Lord look like. Even when it may be something like giving extravagantly, believing for something that seems impossible or leaping into the unknown just because the Lord says to. Most of these things can’t be taught, they literally have to be caught. Meaning you learn them only by seeing someone else live them out and not just hearing them preach about it. Anyway i’m definitely challenged to step up my game and lead more by example than ever before.
So far I’m also learning that they do still listen to you. (They won’t ever admit it but when they have time to process what you say, they know you’re probably right.) Speak in moderation but don’t stop advising, teaching and standing your ground. My husband and I are still learning to navigate these waters but I can definitely tell that him and I need to be on the same page or else the teen knows how to play us and oh boy can they use that in their favor.
A huge help to me has been reading Gary Chapmans book “The five love languages for teenagers”. I do not read a whole lot so can’t give you any more book recommendations but I’d love to hear if you have any for me. Please share!
The world seems harsh if they get teased or don’t get the attention and maybe even love that they desire from their parents. I’ve been praying about this because even though I know how and what each child might need, I do not always have the capability, time or even desire to fill that. So I am teaching them to go to Jesus above anyone else because he is the only one who will NEVER fail them.
I remember my mom teaching me forgiveness during my teenage years (how to forgive those that hurt you intentionally or unknowingly). I thought I would never learn but honestly, practicing it over the years I can look back and see how far I’ve come. The goal is always to never stop learning and growing. Actually the Lord convicted me of this the other day. I have gotten pretty good at letting go and forgiving people for hurting me or wrongly accusing me, when in my heart I am such a people pleaser and hate offending anyone. He showed me that I need to have that same kind of grace and quick forgiveness for myself.
Turns out I have been holding onto the feelings of guilt, shame and regret for years now, honestly completely unintentionally. Starting with my childhood, how I mistreated my siblings, (I babysat them since I was five years old so I learned early on how to be bossy) going on into parenthood and making sooo many mistakes especially with my oldest. The guilt and shame in my hard moments would eat me up. The Lord showed me how it’s not from him. It doesn’t benefit me in any way to hold on to that. So I have been letting go of all the memories that come up that I despise. I say to myself “I didn’t know any better and I forgive myself for making that mistake. I let it go in Jesus’ name. Lord I thank you that you are my redeemer and you WILL somehow redeem and restore what the enemy had a chance to steal from me. I also ask that you will teach and guide me so that I can avoid making anymore hurtful mistakes”. Anyway, there’s a bit of a take away from my failures in hopes that it can help you too, to let go, forgive yourself and move forward.
When my children were all younger it seemed like things would always be that way but now I understand what older folks mean when they tell you time will fly by. It really does and maybe not as a whole while you’re going through it but the seasons and stages sure do! I know it’s cliche but do enjoy your littles ones. You will get your life back one day and you will miss these precious days so not to have regret, just treasure them now and put everything else aside.
My future looks exciting, I do love having big kids now, whom I can be friends with, give more responsibility too, teach to drive, who can whip up some dinner for the family when I’m a bit preoccupied and so much more! A lot of this is new to me but I’m embracing it, learning how to navigate it and moving forward for sure. If you have any tips or advice for me, I’d love to hear it!
I have past entries that I read occasionally to encourage myself and to remind myself of all the Lord has done and wants to do for us. This is a recent one “How to keep trusting when it feels so unfair” or this one “God is bigger than…”
If you’re good on encouragement and want something more light hearted then this is a fun one of our early home transformation. So much has already changed so I should probably update you all if you care to see it. Let me know :)
I would like to thank you so much for stopping by and reading! It brings me joy to encourage others. I really do hope that that’s what you get when you stop by. God is good my friend, he loves you and cares so much about you. Thanks so much for being here.
Blessings!
Natty