When my kids were younger my mother always insisted that I correct their baby ish words and not copy “aka” encourager them to talk like that but I love toddler talk, it’s one of my favorite stages! It took a while for one of my twins to properly learn to say “Chick-Fill-A”, instead of constantly correcting them we just all called it “Chif-Kill-A” along with them. I loved it, there were many other words like that, but now at nine they are all grown up and say most things “properly”, so who cares now that I enjoyed those years a little extra, right?? Just today I was at the store with my youngest, as I was putting the box of spaghetti into the cart he goes “yay pasghetti” it made me smile. We get less and less of those words around here because my little guy just recently turned four.
When he was about three, he began speaking more and more words, with most of them only we, (his immediate family) knew what they meant.
One day he learned the word “ugly”, he got a lot of reaction from his older siblings when using it (if you know my Alistair than you can probably hear his contagious laugh each and every time J would say the word) well, Josiah liked that very much so began to use it often. At first it was funny, didn’t fit the context and he didn’t address it at anyone but then he figured it out and whenever he got upset with someone he would call them ugly. I kept telling him we don’t talk like that and that it hurt peoples feelings but he continued. To counter that, I began to ask him to apologize and say “you are beautiful” to the person that he offended. He quickly caught on and when someone made him feel happy and he felt grateful he would call them beautiful, of coarse if the opposite happened he would cry and call them ugly.
Don’t you think for a second I was not a target of the ugly word, he called me that very often (probable the most out of anyone). Him doing that really brought to my attention the approach I was using with him. Most of the time he was actually right because I wasn’t as gentle with him as I could have been. He is a pretty compliant child and loves to make me happy (him and I have a very special bond, not sure if it has anything to do with me nursing him until three or that he’s my baby) but he is somewhat sensitive to me barking out orders. His least favorite was when I would snap “no” at him without him expecting it, or understanding why the answer was “no”.
The main cause of my irritation with him was that he discovered what screens were. It was defiantly not time for him and I struggled to keep him away (he was about three years old) I also stopped nursing him at that same time, so that broke our oxytocin bond, if I can put it that. I was less gracious with him and I began to treat him differently. Unintentionally of course but it did take some time for me to eliminate all screen time and get my little guy back. I had to hide all the devises and controllers in the house. After a few days he asked if I sold them lol (I sell so many thing lately he thinks it’s normal) I told him I’m thinking about it, he assumed that I did and let it go. It took a few week before he really got back to his normal self and got screens out of his system. (If you’re interested on my opinions on kids and screens let me know, it’s a topic I’m passionate about but I don’t want to get in to it here)
Immediately after getting called “ugly” I would kneel down and give me a big hug. I asked him if I hurt his feelings and he would share his thoughts and emotions with me. After being heard, he would smile a big smile and whisper in my ear “mama is so beautiful and mama is my best friend”. Most of the time he forgot what it was that caused him to be so upset and was ok with moving on to doing something else.
He definitely outgrew the ugly and beautiful stage now but the thing he continues to do is friend and unfriend everyone, depending on how he feels he is treated. His heart also gets broken if I am at all harsh with him. “My heart is broken mama”. I love that he sees the word that way because it has taught us a lot about how we react and treat one another. Especially me, he could sense the slightest bit of irritation in my voice and calls me out on it. I sometimes miss being called “ugly” (when I know that I need to be) because it was a great reminded to be the parent in the room and not just react and be irritated for foolish reasons.
How quickly these tiny people grow up… With my older ones, I’m learning more than ever to listen more and water all the seeds with prayers, that I have sown into them over the years. Feels like most of your teaching and training happens up until the teen years hit, after that they don’t care as much of what you have to say. (I do know they still listen and I’m still their primary influencer but it’s definitely different when they aren’t as receptive). I am thankful that I still have a little ones eyes to see the world through because it sure simplifies things.
I am trying to savor every moment with all my kiddos, finding new ways to connect and still feel wanted/needed. My newest discovery was that they don’t mind massages when I wake them up in the mornings. I never used to wake them up before because we homeschooled full time and they got up on their own whenever. But this year two of them did (more on that later) hybrid and they all of a sudden hit an age where they sleep more than ever! lol I use that opportunity to snuggle up and pray over them while rubbing their back and feeling thankful that they are still at home with me. I especially love that the three younger ones still want tickles, to camp out in my room, snuggle and just be mamas babies. (Don’t tell them I told you haha or that might change because my twins are about to be 10 and with my older ones that’s when it all began to change. Must be something about the double digits. Who knows lol).
The other day my children and I had a very intense, heated discussion. I was upset with them for bullying one of their siblings. I wanted to “ground” them for life (we don’t do grounding but we do take privileges, screen time or friend time away) I wanted to do it all! But, I allowed them to talk, while I bit my tongue and listened, all the while praying desperately to hear between the lines. I asked the Holy Spirit to show me what I need to do, what do they need, how can we resolve this once and for all? To my utter amazement I heard it! Not through their words but in my spirit, I heard them each, in their own way, through what they were saying, desperately begging for love. I saw it crystal clear. They obviously know they are very loved but they do not always feel loved by either me or their dad or both of us at times. They feel like so and so is favored and gets more attention than the rest, so it’s their duty to humble the “favored” child and keep them in their place. After that discussion I was dumbfound by my realization, it all makes sense now, why they said what they did or why they rotate the sibling to be picked on. It is all because they do not receive enough one on one time from dad and I, so it comes out in un wanted behavior. I will admit that we have not prioritized them individually. We’ve gotten used to them being little and getting away with a “one size fits all” mentality. It’s definitely time to make some changes. Just within the last few days Kyle took a few kids out, one on one and I was able to as well. The changes are noticeable for sure! I am so thankful that the Lord loves us all so much and corrects us and teaches us how to move forward.
The other day I was around a couple of young mamas with little children. I came in on them frantically working on some paper work while their toddlers ran around. One of the babies was crying, the other one content but only for a few minutes longer before she too needed attention. Within the hour both the mamas were frazzled. I remember that season of life and how difficult it was for me too. It’s so hard to believe my little people aren’t so little anymore and how far we have come…
The thing that I learned from observing the young mamas is that, I feel that same way when it comes to my older two (hormonal children). I feel like I don’t always know what to do with them. Why are they so testing, am I failing as a mother, should I be doing something different, why can’t they just listen, be respectful etc.?? Basically act like adults already right?
When I got into the car afterwards I was thinking about how I have a different perspective now, when I see toddlers and babies acting out. I don’t see it as a threat or a reason to get stressed out, I just see a child asking to be held, nurtured, reassured and loved. It seems so easy now for me to see it and fill the need. As I was pondering on all that, the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said “It’s the same exact thing with your teenagers, see them as little children asking to be seen, heard and reassured that no matter what, you will love them. Help them through these years, not fighting them. Guide them closer and closer to Jesus and let Jesus do the rest.” I was astounded and very convicted but also relieved and encouraged that it’s not as hard of a burden as I put on myself.
Have you ever wondered why grandparents are the way they are? Why they seem to love their grandkids differently than they did their own children? I feel like I might have a glimpse as to why. Having four kids, four and under I literally had no time in between each child to learn much, so I went with the flow of things a lot in that season. But then I had a baby six years later! By that point I grown in my perspective and one of those things being that they grow up, fast. Before you know it they are four, ten and then transitioning into adults!
The time still passes either with me being frustrated at them, constantly teaching and perfecting their behavior or me choosing to forget about the mess by sitting down with them, filling their love tank and holding them close when they are having a meltdown. The question is how do I want most of my time to pass?
Grandparents know that before you know it they will be grown. Also the child most likely knows when they are wrong, when they are acting out more often than not, they just need a big hug and not a correction. There is a time and place for that of course but more and more I am understanding that we are given our children to love. Yes to raise, shape and set up for success but above all to LOVE. Love them when they make you proud and love them when they deliberately disobey or disrespect. When they are having an off day, just give them a hug and put aside “training” for another moment.
Love, that’s what most grandparents do and most kids long to be with them because they feel seen, heard and taken care of. Why wait to be a grandparent to learn these things? I want to put them into action now. I have been applying this with my youngest and it is AMAZING how he is growing up so much different. I still discipline and correct him and cut down on his sugar intake lol but oh how much I love him! He brings me so much joy. I want that same feeling for each of my kids, not just loving them as usual but really finding them to be a pleasure and a joy to be around.
The secret to that, as I have already mentioned is, LOVE. Love them always. As much as possible in their love language but with all the love languages as often as we can. Clearly, as with my experience, the Lord is willing and is always by your side to help. Invite him in and obey when he speaks to you. Even if that means getting rid of “distractions” in your life, like the phone, television, overcommitment, and anything else that steels you away from your family. I am thinking about making some changes in areas that are taking away from our family coming together for quality time and I will be applying what I have learned.
I am entering a new season of life and it’s been wonderful. I’ve cried and grieved over the years gone by but I am also, so so thankful that I obeyed the Lords leading and chose to homeschool my kiddos. I have absolutely NO regrets about time not spent with them. I just didn’t realize that it would still feel like it wasn’t enough. At times I feel lost and as if I don’t know what to do with myself. I have been “needed” and depended upon for so long, that I have almost forgotten how to be myself. (Who am I even aside from being a mother? I have really never known life without children). I need to learn to let go and find my independence. I’ve been living a dream and I will continue to but it will look different with every new season that we enter.
I don’t know if you can tell but my mama heart is going through a bittersweet moment. I’m happy to be moving forward but oh how I wish that I could pause time and keep them all young and near. Lord please help me get through this and move on haha.
You might know by now that I’m a visionary at heart and I’ve been dreaming of all the things I could possibly do with my life. Weekly I have countless business ideas and inventions rolling around in my mind. If I would talk to you I could probable think of a dozen things you can start doing and would be good at lol I see potential in everything and everyone! So I have been wondering lately, could any of it actually become something or was all of it just dreams to pass by time. It’s something the kids and I did together when we “got lost” driving around. Now that I’m at a point in life where I see an end to the full time parenting tunnel, I’m not at all sure about what I want to do with my life. I trust that the Lord will show me what he has planned for me, and I know that he will help me through this somewhat difficult detaching season.
If you’re ahead of me in motherhood, would love to hear your experiences and your tips and advice. For example a pain point for me is, I love to hold my children, give them hugs and tickles all through out the day but my older two don’t enjoy it anymore and are constantly pushing me away. I know it’s not a big deal but I miss them and it’s hard to face that this is it. Makes me sad to think of all of them being that way. Probably explains why I love babies so much!
I’m sure all this is normal and I’ll probably change too over time but does it get easier?? What should I expect next? I want to be prepared as much as I possibly can be.
Thanks for stopping by friends! I hope you choose to be “beautiful” today.
Blessings,
Natty